Do Something Different

Today, is Labor Day. It gives me a day off of work. (Yess!) That makes this week a short work week (double yes!) Anyway, I don't usually have a routine, on days off M and I just hang out, but today, with the hubs having off, I decided to spice up my workout. I joined my cousin Chris and his Master's team at Lehigh and swam. I didn't realize how out of swimming shape I was. I thought that with running, I would be able to just get in the pool and be able to "fly." Boy, was I wrong. I did do the best I could, and Chris helped adapt the practice for me, so hopefully, I didn't disgrace him too much. I know his time is precious, and I really did try, but man, my arms, were they/are they sore. I actually relied on my legs a lot for swimming, which I didn't use to do, and I think they were able to keep up. Hopefully I will be able to swim more often.  It was a good change of pace for my joints. I did 1400 yards (250 yards short of a mile) but hey, not too bad for my first day back in who knows when.   I also realized that I don't think I have been in a pool since Nov of last year, maybe once since then, but I also realized the changes in my body. I had one race suit, that I think I had since Sep of last year. One I got it,  I was in denial about how big I really was. Anyway, I remember when I first put on my suit back then, it was barely fitting me. Today, I put it on with some room. Actually, it was big and I need to get a smaller one. Maybe that is what it took to put things into perspective. I guess because I look at myself everyday I don't notice the changes as much. Maybe I should, no I will, focus on the positive things that I have noticed. Maybe I am not a size 8, I don't know if I ever will be, but, last summer I was in an XXL, yesterday, I bought a dress that was a medium! Being a size 8 doesn't necessarily make me healthier, being fit makes me healthier. I am excited and stoked to see the additional changes my body will undergo with my continued clean eating, and fitness challenges.

So, to celebrate Labor Day, I am going to hang out with my daughter (I did labor for 21 hours!!) and enjoy the gifts that God gives me everyday.  Have a great day, and celebrate a shortened work week!!

Get Down and Dirty

I just got down and dirty. How, I did my 26th day of my AB challenge and since I stepped up the bar with the type I am doing I get really sweaty. I AM NOT complaining! I love that I am sweaty, makes me think I am actually working, which makes me feel great! Maybe just maybe in a year I will actually like my body. I know my plan for next month's ab challenge and I am excited to see the results. More so after next month, but I guess if I look at how far I have come, I cannot complain. (although I do, just to myself). I need to start finding the good in how far I have come.

 

 

Looking at this picture should put things into perspective, but it doesn't. Well, it does, but it also makes me want more. I need to step it up. No more backing down, no more excuses.

I put so much pressure on myself in the gym, and in what I eat, and then the weekend comes and I let it go. I need to put my finger on it. I think I have, and now I need to overcome, I will overcome

I will overcome. I just need to forgive myself when I make a poor choice, instead of throwing it all away.

 

Saturday I ran 7 miles. 7 pain free absolutely beautiful miles. I am so thankful everyday for what Breakfast Club Runners have given me. Friends that I never knew would understand my need to run, and my silliness. Next week I will be celebrating my runniversary. I think that on Labor Day, I will head to Plainfield Township's running trail to where it all started and run there again. It will be an emotional run, but a run that I deserve.  At breakfast on Saturday I was talking with Roger, Chris and Kim about what changes I have seen in my body since running. I think the biggest thing that I can say that the BCR gets is not that I am running because I am getting chased, but I am running from what I once was, and chancing down who knows what. Who that girl was almost a year ago. She sometimes rears her ugly head, on a day like today when I wasn't really active, but most days, she is in check. Those long runs remind me of where I came from, how much of a struggle running once was. How even just pushing M around is only 1/2 of the weight I lost in that year.  While the number on the scale may not be changing, it doesn't mean that I am not losing weight, it just means that I am getting more muscle. (I hope anyway).

 

I blog, not for the accolades. I blog to show the real me. The down and dirty me. The reasons I do what I do. The everyday struggles that I have. This is the real me.  Don't get me wrong, I love running, I love getting fit. I love that people come to me to help them get healthier, but I also have my moments where I ask myself why. Well...it has to stop. I need to believe in myself. I KNOW I can do it and that I will do it. My mom even "yelled" at me today when I made a comment about my pudge today. She reminded me to look at where I came from.

Feb 2010, before I got pregnant

April 2012

And to see where I have grown.

 

I will continue to get down and dirty. I will continue to embrace the struggles that will make me a better, healthier me. I will do it! I might whine and complain, but I know I will definitely need your support.



How an awesome day got even awesomer

So, after the baseball game on Saturday and M enjoying it, I was excited and nervous all at the same time. We haven't been to the beach in almost a year, and I wasn't quite sure how M would do. So, at 530 this morning I took this picture...

Sorry about the photo quality, I don't know how to use the flash on my iPhone. Anyway, she kept saying "go Mama go." I guess she couldn't wait to get there either.  She slept most of the way down there, and when she was awake she wanted to watch Rocket (Little Einsteins). While I love having the ability of watching Disney Junior shows on my iPhone, it has reaffirmed the need for a portable dvd player and Little Einsteins videos when we fly to Chicago. But, that is an adventure for another day. Anyway, in less than 2 hours we were at the beach. Tell me this isn't an awesome view...

We were like the 3rd car of people there. With a view like this, and weather like we had today, it reaffirmed my love for the beach and my need to go there more often. Hmm, random road trips coming anyway.

Here is the first picture I took of the day, when M was going for a walk with my mom.

Guess it was safe to say that she loved it. She always needed her "dig" to go with her wherever she went. Of course, being there since 8 am led to needing to eat. So, when she wasn't digging somewhere, or rolling around in the sand and getting covered head to toe, I was able to get her to sit down to eat, of course, in "Mama seat."

I couldn't get her to nap, and she wasn't really fussy.  She just wanted me for everything. When it was time to leave, I was able to rinse her off and get her changed. She said she wanted her seat, I put her in her car seat, and before we even left our parking spot this is what I saw.

I guess you could say she had an awesome day.  But, that was only half of it for me. Before all of this cuteness was captured, I took this picture...

I just thought it was a nice picture, and now, it has more meaning.  My cousin went with us to the beach. Him and I used to spend time together when we were both younger, we just hung out. Went to lunch, made fun of people, you know silly stuff. Anyway, I don't see him that often because he is busy being a college junior and swimmer and working and you know living life.  Anyway, there was a person at the beach that I perceived myself as looking like. It's a long story, and writing this is helping me admit that I have low self-esteem issues.

Anyway, I asked him if he saw me that same way. Now, he is not one to lie. If you ask him a question he is uncomfortable with, he either laughs when you ask it or he quickly changes the subject. Well, when I first asked the question, he without hesitation said, "No, you don't look like that. Not at all. You look really good. Much better than you used too." He then continued, "Whatever it is that you are doing it, keep it up!" While he has no idea how much hearing that meant to me, or how hearing that helped push me through this little funk, his words re-energized me. 

Later, on the way home, he was looking at Runner's World Magazine and saw this add for people hiking through the desert. He started laughing, and when I asked him what he was laughing at he said, "I don't know. For some reason, I can picture you running this." I laughed, he has no idea that doing an ultra (maybe not running through a desert) is on my bucket list.

Thank you cuz! You really helped make an awesome day awesomer and you really made me feel like all of this running, these early morning trips to the gym, all this stuff is actually working and maybe, while I cannot see it because I am so critical of myself other people can see it. People who I never would have known noticing actually are noticing. Maybe just maybe, one day I will be comfortable in my skin again?!?! Wow!

Speaking of that, I am almost half way through my August Ab Challenge. I took a picture when I started and I will take one half way through and then at the end. Here's hoping that I will even see changes. In the meantime, I have to remember this...

From Pinterest



So, here is to the start of a new week, and a new outlook on life! Have a great week! Happy Monday!

What's a girl to do?!?!

Never thought I would have this dilemma, and I think it is kind of awesome to actually have it. How can a dilemma be cool, well, when the dilemma comes to which 1/2 marathon to race I think it's kinda funny that I have so many options.  This is where my dilemma begins...I am already committed to the Runner's World Half Marathon in mid-Oct, ok, no dilemma there. I was thinking about running the Lehigh Valley Via 1/2 Marathon in early Sept, but yesterday at therapy, the Physical Therapist Intern told me about an awesome race in OCNJ the last Sunday in Sept.  That would give me 2 weeks to recover for my next 1/2, which I know is doable, I just don't know if I am physically able to do it. But, that would be an awesome quest for me.  What that also means is I might pass on doing a triathlon this summer (because of the 2 1/2s in within 2 weeks) but add more 5ks and 10ks into the mix. While my life will still go on even if I don't do the 2 1/2 marathons, I don't want to wonder could I either.
Oh, yeah therapy...my physical therapist told me to run 7 miles this weekend...yahoo! It feels so good to be told to just run 7 miles.  So, here's to healing, and 7 miles pain free, and trying to figure out what my plan of running will be.

Happy Thursday!

There is an uneasiness in my heart...

This is an open letter to me, in case I ever forget why I run...

M,
  Do you remember that day in May of 2011, when you told yourself that Makayla deserved a mommy who would be around for a while? Well I do. I remember that spark that it lit inside you that made you get on board with changing your unhealthy eating habits, which eventually led to you doing a C25K program. Do you remember that first time you started that program? How long that 60 seconds of running felt? How you kept asking yourself how you let yourself get so unhealthy? Fast forward to Thanksgiving day 2011, when you ran your first 5K. Remember the nerves? Remember how proud you felt when you crossed the finish line? What about your first 10K in Feb? Besides the physical pain, do you remember how you felt finishing that one? How about how many people you work with who you have inspired? Think about that for a moment.  There are people out there who are running because you INSPIRED them to do so. Because they saw how far you have some in such a short time. You should be proud of yourself. Yes, there are people, family and friends who think you are crazy for actually wanting to run. Hell, you had those thoughts in your head when you first started running, and you, YES you, are having those thoughts right now.

Remember how you feel as you are running...it's your chance to let your mind be at ease. It's your saving grace, what keeps you going. It's ok that you aren't a speedy Olympian, you ENJOY it and do it for the love. You have come far, and will go where ever your legs take you. Although you are having a minor IT band issue, and although you have it a roadblock, look within yourself and know that you have the strength and the support to work through it. Yes, it may take longer than you think, but as long as you get through it, that is all that matters.  Remember, Makayla loves you whether you run another half, ever run your first full marathon, or even if you never run a 5K again. Your running family and your true friends and family will help you through everything, just know when to lean on them.

Believe in yourself, remember how far you have come and how hard the struggle. It made you where you are today...happier, 57 pounds lighter, and even a half marathoner. Life isn't easy, but running is your drug...even if you only get out for 2 miles...GO STRETCH YOUR LEGS AND LET YOUR MIND BE PEACEFUL!
Love,
 You

What other's think...

One of the people I run with on Saturdays' wrote this about me on facebook. I didn't understand the picture at first, then he explained it to me. Now, I keep this close and whenever I doubt myself as a runner, I will turn to this and reflect on what other's think of me.

Runners are like that Picture.

You and I are like that picture.

People see us one way, but we see ourselves much larger, more powerful and faster!

That's why i tagged you in that picture.

YOU ARE A LION!!!!!!

I saw that when you finished our 5k!

Happy New Year! New You!

As you know, I have been busting my tail with both diet and exercise aspects in my life. With the new year here, I am hoping going to continue what I was doing last year and continue it not just this year, but for as long as my body allows me. In 2010, I ran my first and second 5Ks. In 2011, I plan on running more 5ks, but I am also planning on throwing some 10ks and brace yourself, a half marathon into the mix. Well, I am not worried about the 5Ks (I feel like an old hat), the 10K yeah that worries me, my first one is in February so I will let you know how that goes. Anyway, back to the half marathon. I downloaded Hal Higdon's half marathon training program, if you are interested, you can find it here. So, I have the training plan ready, and now I can't back down. Well, besides the fact that I feel like I will let myself down, I also know that I will let my family down. What you don't know, is that I entered a contest offered by Sarah Stanley. Sarah is "Professional Endurance Athlete & Ultra marathon runner, entrepreneur, health/fitness advocate and speaker." Sarah offered this contest called the 12x12 project, where she will run 12 races with 12 different people. I was chosen to be one of the first 5 people that she will run with. The best part about this is that she will run the race withme at mypace. Click here for more information about the 12x12 project and Sarah Stanley.
Along the journey from now until April, I am hoping to keep you informed of the trip. Will definitely need to look for longer places to run, but am hopefully going to embrace this journey one step, one day at a time.
On a better note, I went to TJ Maxx today and for the first time in 8 years, I can honestly say I enjoyed clothes shopping. I wasn't even planning on going there, but I saw the store and just stopped in. I am enjoying the journey to fitness so far, and today's experience relit the fire. I didn't make it to the gym today, and I cut myself some slack, I needed this shopping trip for me, and I would call today a success.
Back to the grindstone tomorrow, for both the gym and classes.
Hope you all had a great hump day! Many more adventures in the works...please stay tuned.

I am..

I am a daughter. I am a blonde. I am a sister. I am a wife. I am a nurse. I am a mother. I am a niece, a cousin, a granddaughter. The newest thing that I am coming to grips with is that I may, just may be a runner.  As you know, I started running 9 weeks ago. 9 weeks ago, it was a struggle for me to run for longer than 90 seconds without getting discouraged.  Today, I ran for 48 minutes. It was a terrible run, I was doubting myself the entire run, but I kept telling myself I had to run at least 3.1 miles. I ended up running 4 miles. I keep knocking myself down, thinking I am not good enough, fast enough, strong enough. That I am not enough being me.  After the run, I talked with an experienced runner, who also is the head of the running club I run with on Saturdays (or on the Saturdays I can run). He didn't meet me the first time I ran, but he made it a point to say hello to me today. I had a heart to heart about him about what my goals were for running. He said something that struck me, and stuck with me..."the thing about running is that it is you against you." You know what, he is right. It is about me. It is about my fears of failure (come on I have been running for 9 weeks, you would think I would be at least happy with that), of not finishing something I have started (again, I have commitment issues). It is about all those people who don't think I can do this. More importantly, it is about me. This is bigger than me. This is about how I feel about myself.  After talking with Roger, he was telling me about other local runs that I am going to do. He also told me that I should just increase my mileage weekly, and while I am not built to win races, I am built to finish them, if I let myself believe that I can.
So, today, I am going to let myself start to believe that I am a runner. That I can do this. That in less than 2 weeks I will finish my first 5 K and the following week I will be running 5 miles every time I run. I can do this. I will do this. Hopefully you will be there to cheer me on. I promise, I am going to do everything I can to believe in myself, and hopefully you will too. Wait until you hear what races I have in store for me!

Challenge: Exercise in Self Acceptance

We are our own toughest critics. My sister Rockle did this challenge, and I thought I would join in. One of the many reasons is that I am always hardest on myself about EVERYTHING, and 2 because I need to start realizing that my feelings about myself will reflect on my sweet baby girl.

Part One: "Think about how your best friend would compliment your best features. I want you to think of five great things about your body. FIVE. And no Christmas-tree ornaments/negative riders on this. Five 100% HONEST, POSITIVE things you love about yourself."

1. I have  pretty blue eyes.
2.I have a cute smile.
3. I love the way I tan.
4. I have a cute nose.
5.I have nice calves.

Part One-A: Extra credit. Five non-physical traits that I love about myself.

1. I am a loyal person and friend.
2. I am a team player, and you can always count on me to help get things done
3. I love my job, and you know that I give 100% of myself 100% of the time
4. I will fight to the death anyone who gets in the way of my family/friends and their happiness. (This was my sister's answer, but I would do the same)
5. I love how being a mother makes me glow.
Part Two: "I want you to pick 5 NON PHYSICAL things you can change about yourself (like, read 1 more chapter of a book per day, or take an extra 10 minutes in the shower) to feel better about yourself."

1. Get pedicures regularly.
2. Spoil myself  ie, look in the mirror and compliment myself more
3. Give myself credit for my accomplishments.
4. Have more patience for people who aren't exactly like me.
5. Take more photos and blog more often. My sweet babes changes so much every day, I need to capture more moments to remember every moment!
So, who else is in?

It's a new day!

I always talk about joining the gym, I pay up front and then after 8 times, work reimburses me, but, that is not practical for me right now. So, I decided to take matters into my own hands. While Makayla slept I took my workout inside. We get VOD with our cable company so I shopped to see what they had for free. Well, I have a love/hate relationship with Jillian Michaels, so when I stumbled upon one of her exercise programs I thought sure, why not. Well hells bells, I NEVER thought I could sweat like this before. I did the 6 weeks 6 pack abs and let me just tell you, it is no joke! The beginner skills are good, although some of the exercises I couldn't do, not because I didn't want too, but because well I tried to do the workout without shoes on. Tomorrow I will put shoes on to do the workout and hopefully there will be different results. While I didn't get to do the whole workout without stopping (Makayla didn't sleep long AT ALL, and like I said I couldn't do some of the skills) I feel like I ran 5 miles but really it was only 38 minutes. I have decided that I make time for everyone and everything else in my life, it is time I make time for myself. I am also hoping to start walking with some friends/family on Sat afternoons to spice up my life a little bit. I figure I will do the free stuff while I can, and then in the winter, join the gym so that I can work out and so Makayla and I can continue swimming. I might not do the abs EVERYDAY maybe every other day. There are A LOT of free exercise programs, so I know that I can find something that I enjoy. Maybe tomorrow cardio kick boxing? Or 20 min Cardio Yoga, groove nBurn Disco, Less is More Cardio Workout? The possibilities are endless, but I know I really do need to make time for myself. I missed the deadline this time around, but in July I am going to do WW at Work. I pay up front, as long as I don't miss more than 2 meetings in 8 weeks, my job reimburses me. I did WW before and it worked, so I am DEFINITELY going to do it again. I am not happy with how I look, or how I feel about the way I look so it is time I did something. What I am doing is not working, so something has to change.

It's Time to Start Training

Yep, that means me. As you may or may not know, I joined a gym. I came up with lots of excuses not too, but honestly, I needed to. Anyway, today in the mail I got this magazine that is from where I work. I don't usually read it, but today I did. Am I glad. See, in the Check Up Magazine they talk about a Marathon sponsored by where I work. No, I don't plan on running the marathon, but they also offer a 5K walk. That is what I want to do. Going to the gym has some added bonus. On top of that, I also received another magazine from where I work (yes, I usually throw this one out too) and in it is a class call First Strides. The purpose of this group is to get women to start fitness walking or running with the ultimate goal of participating in a women's 5K. I DO eventually want to be able to run in a 5K, but if I start my goals off with walking in one at least I know I am going in the right steps. Now, First Strides does not start until the end of March, but in the mean time, I can use my gym time to get started on training. Hopefully, this is one thing I will follow through on. Now, if only I knew someone that could help me find proper shoes?!

Can't do it alone...

I have been overwhelmed lately. Really really overwhelmed, and after talking with my sister, I have decided that I can't do it all by myself. I have thought and prayed about what to do next, and I think I need to start with stepping down from teaching PREP classes. Yes, I know I was looking at it, but right now, I don't really need that on my plate. Working 60 hours a week is going to be hard enough, I don't think I should add that as well. I am still planning on reading the Bible over the next year, but since that is a little bit at a time. I have also decided that I can't lose weight on my own. I did well before the nuptials with Weight Watchers, so I think that is the path I am going to choose again. I know that it was easier for me to be honest when I had to report to someone other than myself, and it is only $18/month. I deserve to spend that on myself. Besides, with our year anniversary only 7 months away, here is my chance to get myself back to the wedding weight, or better yet to be in even better shape. So, while I didn't join today *funds are tight here at the igloo, but will be better shortly, I will be joining no later than next week. Hopefully no later than early Feb I will be back on track and on my way to better health. Maybe with my income tax refund I can join a gym...hmmm...

30 Day Shred Part deux

So, if you have been reading my blog then you know that the day before Thanksgiving I posted this blog. Well, with the holidays and all we had a house guest, and while I don't normally mind having a house guest, it felt awkward to me to be working out in the living room while she was trying to sleep on the couch. Yes, Penguin and I are thinking about a 2 bedroom, but then again it is just the 2 of us, so maybe more year of the 1 bedroom and then we will either upgrade or hopefully by a house. ANYWAY, today I restarted my promise to myself and restarted the 30 Day Shred. Today I even feel like I dressed more the part, meaning I had my hair pulled back and even wore sneakers. I went into it thinking it would be a wee bit easier...boy was I wrong. It might as well have been my first day ever looking at it. I knew I was out of shape, but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine letting myself get this way. Man. My motivation is that I want to be healthier. I also want to be able to buy normal size clothes and be able to dress like I belong into today's day and age and not like I am always wearing a burlap sack. I also thinking about going away with the hubs to celebrate our honeymoon. I think my family is going camping here although some talked about going here. I on the other hand wouldn't mind having the best of both worlds of camping and the beach by going where the wild horses are. But either way, I will need to be in a bathing suit, and in the current state I am in...I think even those who have a loss of sight would need to put glasses on.
In the meantime, I am really going to try to do this this time. Even if we have company I need to do this for me. I need to feel better about myself. I think I am even going to join ww again, this time through work so it is paid for and see if that can help me get on my goals. I will take a picture of myself today, then hopefully in weekly increments so that maybe I will see a difference. In the mean time, I hope you all have a wonderful Tuesday and enjoy the new month!

Today's the first day of the rest of your life..

OK, really, that is a song by Rascal Flatts, but it popped into my head as soon as I got home today. Why you might ask? Well, I keep talking about going to the gym, and right now that is not in the budget for Penguin and me. So,my sister J had given me Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred around the time of my wedding and I promise, no I pinkie swore that I would do this tape. Well, I am sorry to say that I didn't. I had every excuse under the sun, and man, to me they were all good ones. The only one that made the most sense was that I didn't have the right sports bra. Well, J fixed that too. see, she told me about this sports bra company that makes bras for well endowed women. I even got a bra in my favorite color PINK. Anyway, I think I used the sports bra like for a week and then put it away. Out of sight out of mind. Well, last night at work it occurred to me that I don't need a stinking gym to get in shape. I can start with the Jillian video and then see where I feel I need to go next. So, that I what I just got finished doing. I did the level one video and it KICKED MY ARSE FROM HERE TO NEXT WEEK!! No seriously, I am sore in places I didn't know existed. And even better, in exactly a month is Christmas, so if I can do this 20 minute exercise every day for 30 days, maybe I will notice a change in myself by Christmas. I am the hardest critic I have. Even though everyone said I looked beautiful on my wedding day, all I see are the flaws and the what ifs. But, I also know that it is possible for me to get back to that day, and maybe better. See, right now I come home and go right to bed. I don't sleep well, I don't eat correctly, heck, even other body systems were wacky. About a month ago I started taking vitamins and I have started to sleep better. I really think I was lacking vital nutrients just because of my sleep schedule. So I figure maybe if I start exercising I will feel the need to sleep. Penguin starts school in Jan, so he won't be able to still be sleeping when I get home from work. In a way that is a good thing because then nothing will stand between me and working out. I just have to remind myself that it is only 20 minutes a day...what is 20 minutes if it means I feel just a little bit better about myself.
I also started looking up smoothie recipes. If you have any good ones, send them my way. I never eat 3 meals a day, so I know I am not getting enough fruits and vegetables in my diet. Add on the fact that Penguin doesn't eat fruit and only certain vegetables you see where my dilemma is. Anyway, I found this awesome recipe and I am dying to try it. See, I am lactose intolerant, so I only do dairy in small amounts. This recipe calls for Almond Breeze, which sounds amazing and I think would be an awesome change from milk. Anyway, today, before my work out I made a smoothie, and I surprised even myself. Here is my smoothie recipe, which I think I am going to try to make again before I go to work. Again, any recipes send them my way!

Mixed Berry Smoothie
1 cup Lactaid (we have non-fat, although I am sure milk will work as well)
1 cup fresh blue berries
1 cup of frozen mixed berries (some concoction my mom gave us)
6 oz of Yo plait yogurt ( mine was peach)
Put it in a blender and puree. If you don't use frozen fruit you may have to add ice.
It was yummo..although I think the mixed berries had raspberries in it because I kept picking out seeds.

I've been working on the railroad...

...all the live long day. Well not that kind of railroad, but I have been working...a lot.. and not just at work, I have been working out and eating healthier. See, I have always had an issue with how I looked. In college I was diagnosed with activity induced anorexia, and now that I am so far removed from college I see how I got wrapped up in body image. Every where on television there are actresses worried about weight gain/loss. These people are supposed to be role models to children today, so if they are always worried about their appearance, then no wonder we always worry about what we look like. Growing up, I lived in a typical suburban family, both my parents worked and my older 2 sisters and I were always active. We were doing something just about every day, so there was no need to stress the importance of family dinners. Dinner consisted of what ever the folks made, and if you didn't like it, you didn't eat it. While I am not blaming my raising to what happened in college, seeing my mom worry about her appearance probably affected me more than I knew.

As I am aging, or um maturing...I have realized that poor choices that I made earlier in life are coming back to haunt me. I am not in the best shape that I should be, and my weight is definately a concern for future health problems. Heart disease runs in my family, as well as diabetes, and hypertension. Again, all concerns that I too can face if I don't do something now. So, what did I do? See, tomorrow, Monday will be a month that I started ww, and I am really proud of myself for sticking with it. I used to pride myself on all the hours I logged in at the gym, but never really held myself accountable for the foods that I consumed. I would work out and then eat and eat and eat, and then workout again bc I felt guilty. With ww, I hold myself accountable for EVERYTHING. And I mean everything. I make sure that I log everything that I eat, even down to jelly beans. Yes, I do sometimes have those moments when I am tested, take Easter for example. There is always some kind of junk food around at Easter time, but I chose to eat the fruits and vegetables. I felt very proud of myself for being able to make healthy choices in a situation where ordinarily I would have caved. I am not saying I am perfect, I am far from it, but when I do stray off course, I hold myself accountable and then get back right on track.

See, I am not just trying to get healthy for the long run, I do have some instant gratifications. Knowing that my wedding is a little over 3 months away, I am determined to look my best for it. Even if I don't reach my goal weight, just knowing that I am closer to it is something that I am hoping that I can accept. I also have a niece and a nephew who when I am with them I want to be able to keep up with them, I don't want to have to say no because I am too tired.

Right now I don't see any difference in myself, but I am hoping that on August 9th, when Penguin and I are poolside on our honeymoon that I will be able to be poolside knowing that I look ok in that bikini and that all eyes are on us bc well quite frankly we will be the newlweds.