A more beautiful you

I write all the time about what I am doing physically to make myself a better person. But, today, a friend (I wish it was IRL) posted a picture on Instagram of a daily scripture. It was right then and there it hit me. It doesn't matter what I look like on the outside, if spiritually I am "ugly." Don't get me wrong, I go to Catholic, I go to Church, I live according to the Church the best I can. What I don't do enough is stop, and thank God everyday for the many blessings he has given me. He blessed me with the opportunity to be a mom and best friend to my sweet little angel. He has given me the ability to run, and thankfully, I heard Him talking to me that day and I decided to jump in and run. I am not looking back at that one, but I am still thankful for the ability and the enjoyment I have found in running.

I stumbled across this song on Youtube and I thought I would share it.

There won't be a more beautiful you. You have to see it in yourself, and God does see it. Sometimes, we just have to remove the blinders and the bad attitude that society and its unhealthy attitudes has placed on us.  Once we see our own beauty, we will be happier and healthier both inside and out.

So, today, I stopped and I read a devotion from this book. Yes, I know I am not a teen, but this book was given to me in 2001 by a patient that I took care of. She said that the care I provided her really made her want to be a nurse. I wasn't even a nurse yet, but it's patients like this that I remember. What I read tonight, was something I really needed to read. Let me share some of it with you.
                             "All hard work brings a profit" (Proverbs 12:23a, NIV).
ALL hard work brings a profit. No matter what it is that you are working towards, the hard work that you are putting in will pay off. It may not end the way you think it should, but if you put your trust into God's hands, he will make sure you profit in some way.

So, tonight I ask you to stop and take some time to be thankful for whatever it is you are able to do. Know that your hard work is paying off, and whether or not you know it, others are inspired and amazed by what you do and try to live in your shadow. Be the best You you can on the inside and it will show 1000 times over on the outside.

Do Something Different

Today, is Labor Day. It gives me a day off of work. (Yess!) That makes this week a short work week (double yes!) Anyway, I don't usually have a routine, on days off M and I just hang out, but today, with the hubs having off, I decided to spice up my workout. I joined my cousin Chris and his Master's team at Lehigh and swam. I didn't realize how out of swimming shape I was. I thought that with running, I would be able to just get in the pool and be able to "fly." Boy, was I wrong. I did do the best I could, and Chris helped adapt the practice for me, so hopefully, I didn't disgrace him too much. I know his time is precious, and I really did try, but man, my arms, were they/are they sore. I actually relied on my legs a lot for swimming, which I didn't use to do, and I think they were able to keep up. Hopefully I will be able to swim more often.  It was a good change of pace for my joints. I did 1400 yards (250 yards short of a mile) but hey, not too bad for my first day back in who knows when.   I also realized that I don't think I have been in a pool since Nov of last year, maybe once since then, but I also realized the changes in my body. I had one race suit, that I think I had since Sep of last year. One I got it,  I was in denial about how big I really was. Anyway, I remember when I first put on my suit back then, it was barely fitting me. Today, I put it on with some room. Actually, it was big and I need to get a smaller one. Maybe that is what it took to put things into perspective. I guess because I look at myself everyday I don't notice the changes as much. Maybe I should, no I will, focus on the positive things that I have noticed. Maybe I am not a size 8, I don't know if I ever will be, but, last summer I was in an XXL, yesterday, I bought a dress that was a medium! Being a size 8 doesn't necessarily make me healthier, being fit makes me healthier. I am excited and stoked to see the additional changes my body will undergo with my continued clean eating, and fitness challenges.

So, to celebrate Labor Day, I am going to hang out with my daughter (I did labor for 21 hours!!) and enjoy the gifts that God gives me everyday.  Have a great day, and celebrate a shortened work week!!

Get Down and Dirty

I just got down and dirty. How, I did my 26th day of my AB challenge and since I stepped up the bar with the type I am doing I get really sweaty. I AM NOT complaining! I love that I am sweaty, makes me think I am actually working, which makes me feel great! Maybe just maybe in a year I will actually like my body. I know my plan for next month's ab challenge and I am excited to see the results. More so after next month, but I guess if I look at how far I have come, I cannot complain. (although I do, just to myself). I need to start finding the good in how far I have come.

 

 

Looking at this picture should put things into perspective, but it doesn't. Well, it does, but it also makes me want more. I need to step it up. No more backing down, no more excuses.

I put so much pressure on myself in the gym, and in what I eat, and then the weekend comes and I let it go. I need to put my finger on it. I think I have, and now I need to overcome, I will overcome

I will overcome. I just need to forgive myself when I make a poor choice, instead of throwing it all away.

 

Saturday I ran 7 miles. 7 pain free absolutely beautiful miles. I am so thankful everyday for what Breakfast Club Runners have given me. Friends that I never knew would understand my need to run, and my silliness. Next week I will be celebrating my runniversary. I think that on Labor Day, I will head to Plainfield Township's running trail to where it all started and run there again. It will be an emotional run, but a run that I deserve.  At breakfast on Saturday I was talking with Roger, Chris and Kim about what changes I have seen in my body since running. I think the biggest thing that I can say that the BCR gets is not that I am running because I am getting chased, but I am running from what I once was, and chancing down who knows what. Who that girl was almost a year ago. She sometimes rears her ugly head, on a day like today when I wasn't really active, but most days, she is in check. Those long runs remind me of where I came from, how much of a struggle running once was. How even just pushing M around is only 1/2 of the weight I lost in that year.  While the number on the scale may not be changing, it doesn't mean that I am not losing weight, it just means that I am getting more muscle. (I hope anyway).

 

I blog, not for the accolades. I blog to show the real me. The down and dirty me. The reasons I do what I do. The everyday struggles that I have. This is the real me.  Don't get me wrong, I love running, I love getting fit. I love that people come to me to help them get healthier, but I also have my moments where I ask myself why. Well...it has to stop. I need to believe in myself. I KNOW I can do it and that I will do it. My mom even "yelled" at me today when I made a comment about my pudge today. She reminded me to look at where I came from.

Feb 2010, before I got pregnant

April 2012

And to see where I have grown.

 

I will continue to get down and dirty. I will continue to embrace the struggles that will make me a better, healthier me. I will do it! I might whine and complain, but I know I will definitely need your support.



How an awesome day got even awesomer

So, after the baseball game on Saturday and M enjoying it, I was excited and nervous all at the same time. We haven't been to the beach in almost a year, and I wasn't quite sure how M would do. So, at 530 this morning I took this picture...

Sorry about the photo quality, I don't know how to use the flash on my iPhone. Anyway, she kept saying "go Mama go." I guess she couldn't wait to get there either.  She slept most of the way down there, and when she was awake she wanted to watch Rocket (Little Einsteins). While I love having the ability of watching Disney Junior shows on my iPhone, it has reaffirmed the need for a portable dvd player and Little Einsteins videos when we fly to Chicago. But, that is an adventure for another day. Anyway, in less than 2 hours we were at the beach. Tell me this isn't an awesome view...

We were like the 3rd car of people there. With a view like this, and weather like we had today, it reaffirmed my love for the beach and my need to go there more often. Hmm, random road trips coming anyway.

Here is the first picture I took of the day, when M was going for a walk with my mom.

Guess it was safe to say that she loved it. She always needed her "dig" to go with her wherever she went. Of course, being there since 8 am led to needing to eat. So, when she wasn't digging somewhere, or rolling around in the sand and getting covered head to toe, I was able to get her to sit down to eat, of course, in "Mama seat."

I couldn't get her to nap, and she wasn't really fussy.  She just wanted me for everything. When it was time to leave, I was able to rinse her off and get her changed. She said she wanted her seat, I put her in her car seat, and before we even left our parking spot this is what I saw.

I guess you could say she had an awesome day.  But, that was only half of it for me. Before all of this cuteness was captured, I took this picture...

I just thought it was a nice picture, and now, it has more meaning.  My cousin went with us to the beach. Him and I used to spend time together when we were both younger, we just hung out. Went to lunch, made fun of people, you know silly stuff. Anyway, I don't see him that often because he is busy being a college junior and swimmer and working and you know living life.  Anyway, there was a person at the beach that I perceived myself as looking like. It's a long story, and writing this is helping me admit that I have low self-esteem issues.

Anyway, I asked him if he saw me that same way. Now, he is not one to lie. If you ask him a question he is uncomfortable with, he either laughs when you ask it or he quickly changes the subject. Well, when I first asked the question, he without hesitation said, "No, you don't look like that. Not at all. You look really good. Much better than you used too." He then continued, "Whatever it is that you are doing it, keep it up!" While he has no idea how much hearing that meant to me, or how hearing that helped push me through this little funk, his words re-energized me. 

Later, on the way home, he was looking at Runner's World Magazine and saw this add for people hiking through the desert. He started laughing, and when I asked him what he was laughing at he said, "I don't know. For some reason, I can picture you running this." I laughed, he has no idea that doing an ultra (maybe not running through a desert) is on my bucket list.

Thank you cuz! You really helped make an awesome day awesomer and you really made me feel like all of this running, these early morning trips to the gym, all this stuff is actually working and maybe, while I cannot see it because I am so critical of myself other people can see it. People who I never would have known noticing actually are noticing. Maybe just maybe, one day I will be comfortable in my skin again?!?! Wow!

Speaking of that, I am almost half way through my August Ab Challenge. I took a picture when I started and I will take one half way through and then at the end. Here's hoping that I will even see changes. In the meantime, I have to remember this...

From Pinterest



So, here is to the start of a new week, and a new outlook on life! Have a great week! Happy Monday!

What's a girl to do?!?!

Never thought I would have this dilemma, and I think it is kind of awesome to actually have it. How can a dilemma be cool, well, when the dilemma comes to which 1/2 marathon to race I think it's kinda funny that I have so many options.  This is where my dilemma begins...I am already committed to the Runner's World Half Marathon in mid-Oct, ok, no dilemma there. I was thinking about running the Lehigh Valley Via 1/2 Marathon in early Sept, but yesterday at therapy, the Physical Therapist Intern told me about an awesome race in OCNJ the last Sunday in Sept.  That would give me 2 weeks to recover for my next 1/2, which I know is doable, I just don't know if I am physically able to do it. But, that would be an awesome quest for me.  What that also means is I might pass on doing a triathlon this summer (because of the 2 1/2s in within 2 weeks) but add more 5ks and 10ks into the mix. While my life will still go on even if I don't do the 2 1/2 marathons, I don't want to wonder could I either.
Oh, yeah therapy...my physical therapist told me to run 7 miles this weekend...yahoo! It feels so good to be told to just run 7 miles.  So, here's to healing, and 7 miles pain free, and trying to figure out what my plan of running will be.

Happy Thursday!

Struggles

If you are reading this, then we have made it to Friday.  We all have our struggles. Sometimes, more things cause us struggles than we would like to admit. I don't easily talk about these things because I have found that running helps me work them out. But, what do you do when running is the thing that you feel like you are struggling with. Why now? Why when I am almost halfway into your 1/2 marathon training am I now starting to doubt myself more than ever. Why did I let it affect my running. I couldn't have complained about the weather on Thursday. The first thing I did when I woke up was turn off our heat and open the windows. Nothing like fresh air to get you moving. Met up with my dad at Louise Moore Park, so he and Makayla could enjoy the weather as I ran. We did it on Tuesday, and it worked out great! Hopefully as the weather continues to warm up, this will happen every Tuesday and Thursday. But, back to my run. I didn't really know how to dress, up to this day, I was use to running in cold weather, so I did what I thought was correct, pants and a t-shirt with my normal tank top underneath. Started off my run as normal and was really enjoying the weather. I didn't really focus on my time, and just did my 1/2 mile loop as a warm-up before I hit the big loop (which I run 3 times on a normal day, and then my 1/2 mile loop to finish it off). Anyway, as I hit the loop it felt good. My quads felt a little tight, but usually they are the first mile (guess I need to stretch more). Anyway, this is where my struggles began. I did the loop, and then started the second loop. At mile 1.75, I started telling myself "who do you think you are fooling, in 4 weeks you have to be able to run 10 miles without stopping" I tried to ignore it, but I couldn't so I stopped running. It was at that moment that I was going to just quit. But I knew I came to far to just let it all go away. I took 30 seconds to compose myself and then I continued on. I finished the second loop and then started the 3. I knew I only had this loop left, but again I started doubting myself. Not about mileage this time, I had told myself to just enjoy the weather and the run and not to worry about my time. I guess I was telling myself that it was too hot, too uncomfortable,too this or too that. So I called it a day. My Garmin told me that I was officially 1.4 miles away from my goal, and I was more mad at myself for letting my mind get the best of me. I know that it is OK to have bad days, and next weekend I will be in Pittsburgh and running there (I will be trying to make up for the 1.4 miles lost, but I don't think it is possible to get that back)I just don't want the bad days to take the joys out of running. The best thing that came out of this is now I get to go shopping for warm weather gear (Target, Ross, TJ Maxx) just to name a few. If anyone has suggestions for affordable warm weather gear, please let me know. So, as I finish writing this, my sweet babes is napping. I am going to allow myself a little break and try to read The Hunger Games and enjoy some of the nice weather. Here's hoping we have an early spring.

Differences...



Here is a photo of myself when I began my exercise and weight loss adventure back in Sep



Here is a photo of myself last weekend.

Looking at this right now is one of the first times that I can say I see a difference in my appearance. I guess the running and going to the gym is paying off. I can't wait to see what other changes I undergo. thank you for your support. I hope to always make you proud.

Tuesday Confessions

Sometimes I feel like I wear many hats. I am a mother, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, cousin, niece, friend, nurse, and student. Sometimes it feels like I am everything all at once. Sometimes I feel like that is a HUGE weight on my shoulders, and I have to admit it, sometimes I am stressed beyond belief trying to balance all of the hats at one time. I feel like I am pulled in every different direction all at the same time as well. I have the weight on my shoulders trying not to let anyone down, myself included. I take care and worry about everything and everyone that I am always the last on my mind. I very rarely take care of myself because after I fulfill all my other jobs, there is no time left in the day for me. At one time, I used to care about how I looked, how I felt about myself. Then, I didn't really care. Now...I do care. Today, after getting a pep talk from an awesome person Katie that I wish was my friend in real life, I decided to take the bull by the horns and start to care for myself, because if I don't care for me, who will. I went back to tracking my food and exercise using LoseIt. I even started a couch to 5 K program. The key is going to be keeping me interested. My job also reimburses me for a gym membership, so I am thinking about doing that 2 days a week. I mean with Makayla going to daycare, it gives me 2.5 hours a day for me to do me, so why not work on being a better me so I can be a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, etc. Heck, I am even on vacation and getting a manicure tomorrow because well, why not. I need to stop trying to please everyone all the time. I need to spend more time caring about me, because if I don't care about me, who will?!
That's my Tuesday confession. Which, I have to confess came to me while I was doing my c25k workout today. Have a great night. Try to stay warm and dry.

Challenge: Exercise in Self Acceptance

We are our own toughest critics. My sister Rockle did this challenge, and I thought I would join in. One of the many reasons is that I am always hardest on myself about EVERYTHING, and 2 because I need to start realizing that my feelings about myself will reflect on my sweet baby girl.

Part One: "Think about how your best friend would compliment your best features. I want you to think of five great things about your body. FIVE. And no Christmas-tree ornaments/negative riders on this. Five 100% HONEST, POSITIVE things you love about yourself."

1. I have  pretty blue eyes.
2.I have a cute smile.
3. I love the way I tan.
4. I have a cute nose.
5.I have nice calves.

Part One-A: Extra credit. Five non-physical traits that I love about myself.

1. I am a loyal person and friend.
2. I am a team player, and you can always count on me to help get things done
3. I love my job, and you know that I give 100% of myself 100% of the time
4. I will fight to the death anyone who gets in the way of my family/friends and their happiness. (This was my sister's answer, but I would do the same)
5. I love how being a mother makes me glow.
Part Two: "I want you to pick 5 NON PHYSICAL things you can change about yourself (like, read 1 more chapter of a book per day, or take an extra 10 minutes in the shower) to feel better about yourself."

1. Get pedicures regularly.
2. Spoil myself  ie, look in the mirror and compliment myself more
3. Give myself credit for my accomplishments.
4. Have more patience for people who aren't exactly like me.
5. Take more photos and blog more often. My sweet babes changes so much every day, I need to capture more moments to remember every moment!
So, who else is in?

Reflections...

Yesterday was my 32nd birthday. 32 years ago my mom was preparing to give birth to her third child, her second in a little over a year. Here I am 2 days before I give birth to my first child. While yesterday was a sweet day, lunch with my folks at the local casino, then shopping the local TJ Maxx Homegoods Store. We finished off the day with some time with my grandparents. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, it was just another day, and for that I am thankful. Last night the hubs and I made our "delivery favors." It was something I always imagined doing, it just always depended on the time of year our sweet babes would be born. I will take pictures and post them after she is here. I have realized this morning that there are several reasons why I am keeping myself so busy. It is not only because I want to save all of my time off for when the babes gets here. I am petrified. Scared. Anxious. Nervous. You pick the adjective, and I am sure I can tell you how I am feeling that way. Petrified- yes, of the whole birthing process. Scared, I wasn't scared until the hubs asked us what happens if she doesn't like us. I know it is crazy, but that is in the back of my mind now. Anxious to meet her, anxious to see what kind of mom I am going to be. Nervous...the whole process makes me nervous. Don't get me wrong, I am excited beyond belief, but at the same time, nervous. While I am ok with working at a hospital, I don't like being in one. First I have to get an IV, then they are going to give me some medication that might stress out the baby. What if that happens?! What if something goes wrong? What if I labor all day?! Then, they are going to put a foley catheter in me, but not for peeing this time. (Well, maybe there will be one for that too) I asked a cousin who is a labor and delivery nurse and said that they will fill the balloon in the foley to massage the cervix to make it dilate. The whole idea perplexes me. Perplexes me to the point that I need to go to confession. It's not a matter of want anymore. It is a NEED. I need to go and confess my sins so that God will watch over us both on Tuesday and keep us both safe and healthy. Yes, I know that women have been doing this for thousands of years, and I am sure that after she comes I can look back on this post and see how crazy I am being. In the meantime, I will keep myself busy. I will go to work on Mon, then the doctors, then have and early dinner and take a nap. Then, wake up and head to the hospital to welcome the birth of the babes. Please, keep us in your prayers this week. Thanks!

Realization

So, today I have realized a lot of things. Life is not easy, and not easier since getting married. No, I did not except marriage to make things easier, well maybe just a little bit. No, I am not regretting getting married, I love the hubs and am very happy with the decision I made. I had a very heartfelt conversation with one of my sisters and learned a lot more about what it takes to make a house a home. I also learned that I need to be more frugal, which would be easy if it was me, but with the hubs, apparently he is high maintenance. With that being said, I have also learned that through marriage I have grow up more and more everyday. I have learned that there are hard decisions in life and once you make them you have to know that you made the decisions with lots of thinking and praying. For example, Monday I start a per diem job at another hospital. Yes, I still work at hospital A, but I made the decision that picking up another job is what is best for my family. Yes, I know that I will be stressed, and yes, that means less quality time with the hubs, but right now, it is what I see is best for us. As you know, I am teaching PREP classes at the Church I go too, so that is what is a perfect start to becoming stronger spiritually. I am also going to try to do a Bible Study through a Church I used to attend, and in doing said Bible Study, I will read the Bible in a year. I realized that I love what I do, but not necessarily in the context that I am currently nursing. As you may or may not know, I applied to grad school to get my NP. I won't hear anything until July, but every day I realize that it is what is best for me.

Well, that is enough for now. I missed by cousin Beth's wedding because I had to work, and I don't know if I will be able to get over it. I know that I will eventually, but I still feel bad.